Author Archives: NakedEnvelope

About NakedEnvelope

Freelance writer, social commentator and air-guitar enthusiast. @mirandaryan

12 Signs it’s Time to Switch to Adult Radio

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There are a lot tough questions in life, some of which may never be answered… Which is the path to true happiness? Is there life after death? Should I cut a fringe? And perhaps the most pressing of all*: how do I know it’s time to make the switch to adult radio?

Recently I learnt that the target age of my favourite music radio station is people 18-24, yet the adult talk station I would progress to is broadly aimed at those aged 40+. This leaves me floating in some kind of radio-station-limbo-land… much like an unused tampon, lost in a handbag. Continue reading →

10 Internet Things to Make You Smile

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Recently a good friend of mine (let’s call her Catalina…) needed a bit of cheering up. Being on the other side of Earth my usual strategy (performing a liturgical dance to the music of Shania Twain) just wouldn’t do. Instead I used my refined skills in online procrastination to pull together a bunch of my favourite smile-inducing-interweb-things to send her. Then I thought maybe we could all use a few cheeky grins so I have put together a selection of them here. Also it is the Easter long weekend and I’ve got a lot of business* to get through so I wanted to get this post up quickly. And on that note…

1. Sloths… Let’s be honest, I could do ten awesome things just about sloths but I’ll try and contain myself… SQUEEEEEE-BABY SLOTHS BATHED IN TEA AND HUNG TO DRY ON CLOTHES HORSES!!! Um… also… baby sloths in onesies spooning. And yes Sloth…. you can fly! Continue reading →

Leafy Suburbia Living vs. Grimy Inner City Dwelling

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Can you feel the ocean breeze? Smell those freshly mowed lawns? Hear those birds (you know the ones, they go booooooooo-woop)? The sensations of leafy suburbia – where I’ve taken respite from my inner city life to house-sit for a couple of days – feel good. I came for a bit of peace and quiet and easy beach access, but got a whole lot more than that. And it’s hard not to compare it to my usual residence in the grimy inner city.

So how do they stack up?

In the morning…

Suburbs: Sunday morning sleep-ins may come to an abrupt halt due to the sounds of birds (seriously it’s like a fricken rainforest out here), small children and lawnmowers.

Inner city: You are gently lulled awake by conversations of friendly locals as they drift past your house on their daily trip to the rehab centre. I don’t know why, but they prefer to converse with each other by shouting from opposite sides of the street. Continue reading →

Valentines Day is the WORST! And here’s why…

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Warning: I wrote this sick with a cold and maybe should have edited it, but I really want to go to bed. So please read quietly and pass the cough syrup.

Valentine’s Day is the worst. It is the worst for everyone. I’m not just saying that because I’m single and alone and please someone won’t you love me? *cough*

My earliest memory of the day (besides when I just made cards for mum – SHOUTOUTZ MUM!) was a massive disappointment. I was about 11 and purchased a packet of Starbursts lollies and composed a love letter to deliver to my primary school crush. Keeping them hidden in my desk all day I awaited the perfect moment. Continue reading →

Four Simple Steps to Win the triple j Hottest 100

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So you’re a band/musician/producer and you’re bummed you didn’t win the triple j Hottest 100 yesterday? There, there, it’s ok. To help with your Sunday blues I’ve performed some critical analysis* and conducted some focus group discussions** to come up with the perfect formula to win this thing.

1. Get your song played across a number of commercial stations as well triple j

As much as many triple j listeners would pride themselves on the fact they don’t listen to commercial radio, others do. Continue reading →

The Do’s and Don’ts of Backpacking Packing

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It’s been a few years since I bought a one-way ticket to a new continent, strapped on my large backpack, and went exploring. *sigh* While this makes me sad, I thought I’d pass on some of the things I’d learned about how to pack your backpack.

Packing

Don’t take more than 15kgs: You’ll really feel those extra kilos when you’ve arrived in Lisbon with no accommodation and are schlepping to the third floor of ten different pensions looking for a room (definitely earned my Portuguese tart that day). Also some of the cheaper airlines have a 15kg limit on checked baggage with hefty fines if you inch over this weight ( and there are only so many pairs of pants you can wear at one time). Continue reading →

A Christmas Letter to William

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And so this is was Christmas… although, there was definitely something missing. Every Christmas we used to receive a letter in the mail with a yearly update of some family friends that I’d never met. My parents never once wrote them back and as far as I’m aware haven’t seen them in about 20 years, but still the letters came. That is until my parents moved and failed to update their (clearly close) friends with their new address.

The two kids were about my age and I followed them as they grew in their study, extra-curricular activities and skills in card making. Last I heard of them it was becoming pretty clear that the older sister was somewhat of an overachiever. Her lengthy paragraph was filled with complimentary commentary on her success as a lawyer and generally lots of positive adjectives. Next was the section on the younger brother, William. This was considerably shorter and padded out with details of recent purchases like a new push bike and a monthly train ticket. The shame. Continue reading →

Questions and Answers: Internet fears, pandogs & superglued

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Tonight on Questions and Answers I’ll be answering a couple of your burning questions. You know how we all have that friend who everybody turns to for answers? Well that’s never been me (I’m not that great of a listener) but maybe I just never had the chance. And isn’t Christmas about giving people chances? Or is that Easter? Hmm… Either way I’m still going to do this post because I already typed some of it up. Let’s get into it…

Question1: Internet world…Internet

Things are tough out there on the mean pages of the web. This question is really more of a personal opinion. But since you asked so nicely, Emily, I will have to say the comments section of various news sites truly haunt my nightmares. I can’t show you enough examples. Some of the best advice I’ve read is from the talented Elmo Keep: “Don’t read the bottom half of the internet”. Continue reading →

The Do’s and Dont’s of Summer

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Saturday is the official start of Summer for us folk in the Southern Hemisphere (southside yo!) and I couldn’t be more excited. However, there are a lot of summer crimes that get committed so I think it’s best we set a few guidelines so we can all get along and play nice together for the next three months.

DO wear your swimmers* when you’re at the beach, poolside or anywhere swimming is in business.

DON’T extend the wearing of said togs outside the bounds of socially acceptable areas. For example: kiosk on the beach = acceptable, food court in a shopping mall = unacceptable, laying by the pool = acceptable, laying on the grass near your office at lunchtime = unacceptable. Continue reading →

TV Non-Review: ‘Problems’ by Sam Simmons

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This blog post is inspired by one of my favourite comedians, Sam Simmons. His new show Problems launched last night on ABC1 and really spoke to me.

If you’re unfamiliar with Sam Simmons imagine the weirdest thought you’ve ever had, put it in a giant moth costume, make it bald, give it a bushy moustache and dress it in bread shoes (“loafers”). I’ve seen him perform live a couple of times and enjoyed every moment of his silliness. If you know The Mighty Boosh (which you should, it’s hilarious) maybe the fact Noel Fielding described Sam as ‘weirder than the boosh’ will mean something to you.

Problems includes characters such as Sam, his cat Mr. Meow-gi, the moths that live in his couch, the $2 shop owner and more. The problems are real and the drama is heated. Continue reading →