About NakedEnvelope

Freelance writer, social commentator and air-guitar enthusiast. @mirandaryan

When Hair Goes Wrong: How to Complain to your Hairdresser

Everyone has had at least one bad haircut…

And since our hair is linked to our self esteem when you’re not happy with how it looks it can bring you down. On top of this, you’ve probably scheduled the visit for a special occasion so not only do you feel bad, but now your rude head will be immortalised in your friend’s wedding photos.
donald-trump

There have been many instances when I’ve cried over a bad hair experience. Let’s skip over the times as a small child I would scream blue murder anytime a stylist came at me with scissors. (Do you blame me though? That box cut was unsightly.) Continue reading

My Shitty Results in Buzzfeed Quizzes Are Giving Me a Complex

The results are in. And if the scientific basis of the Buzzfeed quizzes are anything to go by (which they obviously are) my personality is looking more than questionable. Getting the worst option in one or two “which something are you?” style quizzes can be funny, but it’s happened to me too many times to count. It’s made me wonder: is it me?

Some of my recent Buzzfeed quiz results include:

Bluth family member: Buster Bluth 

Arrested Development is one of my favourite comedy’s so I was extremely excited to take this quiz. And then I got Buster… Continue reading

University on-campus experience – 10 tips from someone who should know better, but doesn’t

If you’re toying with the idea of moving away to university – I say go for it! Going away to uni was honestly one of the best things I’ve ever done. The friends I made there are some of my dearest and events from that time still get laughed about. Savour every minute, as before you know it you’ll be old and rusted like me and wonder how you ever managed to party 4 nights straight and still make those 9am lectures. Here are some tips on making the most of it from a not-so-spring-chicken… Continue reading

The dizzying highs and soul-crushing lows of long-distance relationships

The distance from my home in Sydney to Perth is 3,300km… equating to about 5 hours in the air, or a 40 hour non-stop drive across the desert, or a walk that would surely kill me. New Zealand and Papua New Guinea are both closer and during summer there is a three hour time difference. Also it’s where my boyfriend lives.

Generally when people discover this, pity fills their eyes and they respond with a sympathetic “ohh”. Yes dating someone via long-distance does suck at times, and isn’t the most ideal way to start a relationship, but it definitely has its positives as well…

The highs: Cruising at 30,000 feet you are physically about the highest you’ll probably ever be and your emotions will feel equally as high as you anticipate folding into their arms at touchdown.

But what goes up must come down: Continue reading

Santa, you better pack the big sack this year…

Dear Santa,

I’m calling bullshit on your annual delivery of underwear and pyjamas, enough is enough. You need to quit it with your small-time stocking stuffers and take this shit big picture. Think of it as making up for the other 364 days of the year where all you do is sit on your gingerbread and candy cane throne and judge the citizens’ of the world. And just who are you calling a ho? For shame, Santa.  Level with me a minute and hear me out, I just have a few simple requests.

Please can I have for Christmas:

  1. To be BFF’s with Tina Fey. We’ll braid each other’s hair, tell each other secrets and cry about boys together. On Wednesday we’ll wear pink. And we would NEVER write about each other in the Burn book.
  2. A basic understanding of physics. Including, but not limited to, how it’s possible that planes can fly in the air… srsly. Continue reading

Farewell, Dear Wisdom Teeth

A bright light blinds me as my eyes squint open and I try and make sense of my surroundings. A strange hand clumsily prods my face. I unsuccessfully try to sit up when a face with kind eyes and a surgical mask on appears and tells me to relax. It’s then that I realise it’s my own hand touching my numb, swollen face and I’m in a bit of pain.

I’ve just had all four of my wisdom teeth surgically removed in hospital. And now face a few weeks of recovery and a lifetime without my third molars. As I melt into a stack of pillows and bite down on the some gauze to stem the blood flow I think back… Continue reading

The Seven Deadly (Modern Day) Sins

What would our society look like if it wasn’t for the seven deadly sins? The internet would sure be quiet place… you know without the porn (lust), every comment everywhere (wrath) and YouTube (sloth). We’d have no banking or financial services (greed), half the world wouldn’t be overweight (gluttony) and there would be no LinkedIn (pride) – actually social media wouldn’t exist at all (envy/pride/sloth/lust…). So if these sins aren’t really hitting home with people, and it’s too hard to change society, maybe it’s time we changed the sins? (This may be the easy way, but hey – I’m a sloth at heart.)

So what are our daily sins of the now?

  1. Running smugness: The act of connecting your Nike running updates to your Facebook feed. No one cares… especially the person you’re trying to impress by doing this. Sin is worse if you are training for a marathon you fit, healthy, early morning jogging jerk. Unsubscribe.
  2. Aisle seat insistence: Commonly seen on public trains. The act of making people climb over you to get to the seat on the other side while you retain the aisle position. Continue reading

The 12 Worst Things About Travelling

Full disclosure: I hate reading travel blogs.

Let me be more specific. I hate reading travel blogs unless I’ve got a holiday booked and they’re about somewhere I’m going/want to go. Then I can’t get enough. But unless that’s the case I avoid them. What’s to like about someone else (who’s probably prettier than you) gallivanting across the globe to experience new cultures, eating amazing food and generally having a real good time about it?! They can charitably spare a few minutes to smugly write it all up for the people watching on from their desk jobs and Saturday night television. Bah! Humbug! Unless it is someone dear to me, I am the Scrooge of travel blogs.  Continue reading